As you may be aware, the other major candidates have been too timid to debate me, even though I promised not to introduce any original thought into the debate, but rather to restrict myself to only such phrases as I have uttered in public many times before, just as the other candidates have done in their debates. Nevertheless, it seems to me that the public statements we have heard from the candidates in these debates require some response. I should therefore like it to be known that I agree with all the good things each candidate said, and disagree with all the bad things.
Categories: Statements from Mr. Harding
The Fringe Party is pleased to announce that Mr. Spiro Agnew has obtained the endorsement of Insulation & Drywall Artists Local No. 43 in Queenstown, Md. This endorsement was not obtained without persistent and earnest persuasion, but Mr. Agnew is delighted to inform us that his efforts have paid off handsomely, and that no thumbs will be broken this month.
Categories: Endorsements
At this time of economic turmoil, it is well to remember that only the Fringe Party holds, as an essential plank in its platform, the principle that every American should be comfortably well off. Remember when you vote that the Fringe Party, in matters of economics as in every other matter, stands in favor of good things and against bad things. No other political party can say that with a straight face.
Categories: Statements from Mr. Harding
The Western Shore Brotherhood of Electrical & Telephony Subcontractors in Severna Park, Md., has given its full endorsement to Spiro Agnew’s campaign for the vice-presidency. For this demonstration of support and confidence the members of the Brotherhood receive Mr. Agnew’s profound gratitude and a 15% discount on kickbacks for the months of October and November.
Categories: Endorsements
One of my unpaid staff has recently pointed out a number of Internet rumors to the effect that one of my ancestors was a person of color. I am at a loss to understand why this should be considered a mark of dishonor in any way, and had the rumormongers bothered to ask me, I should have been glad to divulge my entire genealogy. Most of my immediate ancestors were various shades from pale pinkish through brown, but my maternal grandmother was bright orange. I am proud to be her grandson, and I desire that this covert campaign of whispers should cease immediately and give way to a sincere appreciation of the grand and inspiring diversity of the American people.
Categories: Statements from Mr. Harding
The Fringe Party is pleased to annouce that Spiro Agnew has received the endorsment of Maryland Contractors for Jesus, a trade association boasting more than 17 members in the greater Salisbury area. This is a significant achievement, as in the past the MCJ endorsement has always gone to Whig candidates.
Categories: Endorsements
From the archives of Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine.
IN CLEANING UP from this week’s Fringe Party convention, the following items were recovered, which we hope to be able to return to their rightful owners:
(1) gavel, showing marks of nail heads, suggesting that it has been used otherwise than as intended.
(3) black patent leather high-heeled shoes.
(1) compact disc with writing in permanent marker that says “SECRET FRINGE PARTY STRATEGY DOCUMENTS DO NOT LOSE.”
(4,169) “HARDING/KING” buttons, found outside our back window.
(15) “Pusillanimous Pussyfooter” T-shirts, found with the buttons.
(1) convention delegate, still regrettably unconscious and not otherwise identifiable.
The management would be grateful if the owners of the items listed above would return to HERB’S ROLLER-RAMA in Swissvale to retrieve their belongings as soon as possible.
Categories: Convention · Press Coverage
